


We Don't Cock About This

by Fallingtowardsoblivion



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Era, Crack, Humor, LMAO, M/M, Merlin makes Arthur a penis crown out of flowers and arthur secretly likes it, One Shot, Oneshot, PWP, Shameless Smut, Smut, dont judge me, ok, penis crown, there is a picture to go with it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-20 23:40:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6030106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallingtowardsoblivion/pseuds/Fallingtowardsoblivion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn’t that Arthur liked it… but, well, if Merlin enjoyed it, then the king couldn’t really bring himself to say no. </p><p>...Or something like that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Don't Cock About This

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by Van's beautiful artwork! Here ya guys go, enjoy!  
> (side note: unbeta'd!)

Inspired by [this ](http://vanhelsing019.tumblr.com/post/139312267882/a-friend-requested-merthur-flower-crown-peens)(NSFW)

 

“Well?” Arthur said, straightening his back and trying to restrain a blush. “Is there a point to this, or are you just going to stand there like an idiot?”

 

Merlin worked his mouth, standing a few feet away from where Arthur was currently splayed on the bed, looking quite a bit like a fish (if Arthur did have a say in things. Which he did. He was the _king_ , after all).

 

“I – I think it’s, er – quite _becoming_. Sire.” Merlin finally managed to get out, in a very twitchy, very _un_ - _Merlin_ voice. Arthur frowned at the tone, moving to sit up – intent on ending his manservant’s most recent bout of stupidity involving of all things flowers and crowns and –

 

“No!” Merlin yelped out, finally seeming to register the King’s intent. Arthur frowned, pausing in his movement, because he wanted to, not because Merlin had told him to and certainly not because he was mildly (very mildly, at that) _startled_ by the manservant’s current mood.

 

“Er – no. Just. Give a moment, will you?” Merlin muttered, looking quite pale and sweaty. Maybe a bit flushed. Leave it to Merlin to ruin everything by getting a bloody fever.

 

Arthur sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically before reluctantly leaning back onto the bed. Now that he thought about it, Merlin all hot and sweaty and bossy was actually… quite attractive.

 

Not that he would ever tell Merlin that.

 

Arthur bit the bottom of his lip, ignored the moderately uncomfortable breeze (coming from gods knew where, considering that he was inside), and instead watched Merlin.

 

Or, well, Merlin’s back.

 

Because Merlin had turned around.

 

Because he was an idiot, who thought ‘taking a moment’ meant turning around.

 

The King snorted softly, watching the muscles of Merlin’s back moved under his shirt as he crossed his arms.

 

“You know, _Mer_ lin, it’s quite rude to keep a King waiting.” Arthur finally said, a smirk crossing his face.

 

Merlin stiffened, still facing the wall, before saying, “And what about a prat?”

 

“ _Merlin_ ,” The King growled, his voice going low, “I swear to god, if you don’t get over here already I’m going to just go ahead and take this blasted thing off and _make_ you come over here.” And of course, that had Merlin whirling around, face flushed. Arthur’s smirk widened, because he had learned early on that that particular voice did _things_ to his manservant.

 

“I _suppose_ I’m ready.” Merlin huffed out, hiding a grin by pursing his lips.

 

“Good. Now get over here before I take the crown off.” Arthur frowned a tiny bit at the thought of actually taking it off. Not that Arthur didn’t _want_ to take it off or anything, just – er – he liked the way the crown affected Merlin, that was it.

 

Though of course, he didn’t particularly _care_ , actually, if Merlin was affected or not, because Kings didn’t particularly _care_ about _manservants_ or anything, rather –

 

“Arthur, do you think you should go visit Gaius sometime? Because I can smell the odor of your brain trying to work and it isn't very pleasant.” Merlin interrupted, and oh _wow_ , since when was he _naked_ \- ?

 

“ I – you can’t talk to me like that!” Arthur sputtered, off guard, eyes suddenly glued a little bit below Merlin’s eyes. Okay, a lot below. About waist height, actually –

 

Even as he stared, though, the King’s boner wilted a little at the sudden flush of embarrassment – making Merlin frown.

 

“Well that just won’t do.” The manservant muttered and finally, finally, ( _FINALLY_ ) crawling up onto the bed next to Arthur. He paused inches from the royal, an evil smirk stretching across his face. “Will it, your Majesty?”

 

Arthur was about to say a snarky, witty remark back, he really was, it was actually already on its way out of his mouth, only suddenly he couldn’t very well _think_ let alone _speak_ because there was a hand in places where hands usually weren't supposed to be, and a mouth latched onto his neck, and _wow_ , was it hot in here or was that just _him_?

 

“You know, sire, I do believe that’s quite the fitting look for you,” Merlin whispered into his ear, hand moving too slowly for Arthur’s liking.

 

“N-naked?” The royal managed to choke out, and surely it was getting hot in here, wasn’t it?

 

Merlin snorted into his neck, stopping for a moment. “You’re not _naked_ , clotpole.” Eye roll. “You’re wearing The Crown.”

 

“Gods, _Mer_ lin,” Arthur groaned, frustrated at the lack of friction in his life right then. “A bloody _flower crown_ on my penis doesn’t count as clothing, I’m very well – oh!” The King let out a sudden, emasculating yelp. “Oh, _Merlin_ -!” And this time Arthur groaned for a completely different reason, fingers automatically knotting in dark hair as a head began to move between his unsuspecting legs, miniature ‘crown’ discarded to the side.

 

 

About three hours later, after having had his brains thoroughly sucked from his body, among other numerous acts that probably had his father convulsing in his grave, Arthur finally had a coherent thought.

 

…Which Merlin immediately voiced, making said ‘coherent thought’ automatically demote to ‘semi-coherent, idiotic thought’ status.

 

“I should make you another crown, sometime.” The manservant mumbled, little more than a warm puddle of post-coital happiness pressed into the King’s side.

 

Arthur snorted, immediately dismissing the idea (much to Merlin’s half-arsed protests).

 

Though… Okay, maybe Arthur secretly liked the crown.

 

Not that he would ever let _Merlin_ know that.

 

 


End file.
